confussed and bewilder.

At this point i have no clue what im even going to write about. i have been so upset today over different issue.. and im more or less just writing this to myself so if you happen to come along and read this you will more then likely think what a total losser an or Ass hole.. but here goes...
im upset because of my brother commiting suicide. nine months ago now and even tho i feel like it should be getting easyer its not. i miss him so much and my heart hurts so badly sometimes from just wanting to hold him in my arms and tell him i love him... I sure in my heart there is nothing i could have done to have stopped what he did... I know he had been suffering for a long time over different issue in his life and i know im just being selfish. by wanting him here but dammit i miss him. and i hate what he did he may have made things better for him but for the ones he left behind it turned our world upside down... i try every day to pick up more and more piece that he torn down and took with him when he did this... I guess i will never understand. and yet it happen every single day someone takes there life... and every single day there are more heart broken trying desprate to over come the horrible ordeal of someone killing them selfs. I know of four people whom has commited suicide since my brother did... two 16 year old a 19 year old and a 22 year old... all young all could have had so much to live for but yet all decided to take suicide as a way out of there troubles. im not against suicide if the person is ill and on there death bed and there is no hope of recovery.. I believe that the person should have that right then.. however how do we stop these young children from doing the unthinkable.. how do we teach them that its okay to have a bad day . that depression can be treated . and that everyday is a new day a new beinging and that if you think about hurting yourself you should tell someone . that will not judge you but yet try to understand what is making you feel this way.. I feel that alot of doctor have gone so wrong and instead of dealing with the true problems in the people lives they surpress these feeling with medication.. and in time all this does is confuss the people even more. I believe that some people with bi-polar and skizo are process with dormontic demons or spirits. and a good preacher and the holy bible is all that is needed. I to have also suffer from depression but i told myself this is it.. im not going to let my childhood affect who i am. and i know all the head doctor out there would disargee with me but its true . when i was a young man i told myself i would never hit a woman. never be in a relationship that was abusive and never ever have my mate or partner put a gun to my head the way i have seen my dad do so many times right now my head hurts so badly from being so upset all day there are other things on my mine like the doctor here and how i feel like im never going to be treated fairly because im in a different country. I know what is going on with me could kill me at any time. but no matter what i do i just cant seem to get anyone to stand up and take notice. i guess when i fall over dead just maybe they will want to do something then i can only hope that they make it to me in time. more later on this subject i need to go lay down for a while.. Jacob honey if you ever read this i hope you will see that depression can be treated honey.. and i can only pray that you never fine yourself depressed. your such a joy to my life honey and you can do anything you set your mind to do. every time i see you smile you take my breath away.. every time you call me daddy my heart just melts like a ice cream cone on a hot summer day... every time i hear you laugh my heart lites up like a thousand watt bulb.. and honey every time you say your prayer at night your so sweet that i just know that God angel are all about you listing to your sweet voice. Jacob honey do not ever forget God loves you honey just like your two dads we love you so very much and thank God everyday for you .... your our little gift from god our little angel... love you son... more and more and more and more and more. in a few weeks you will be turning 4 years old . on Aug 20 . I am so blessed... will thats all for now.